New Age philosophy proclaims I choose this...
February 21, 1960, my grand entrance. I remember my birth. True.
I was breach. I recall my mother having an extremely difficult time delivering me and so she was anesthetized. I did not respond to the typical post-natal stimulation and apparently was perceived as a still-birth? I vividly recall being placed on a cot and let out my first cry--probably for help.
Swept off to the neo-natal ward, I was unable to bond with my mother--that life-giving and life-sustaining bond would never occur for me. There was an instant split in my psyche. Survival kicked in at that very moment, and I remember it as if it was yesterday. This continued throughout my life. More later...
My next memory is that of jumping on the red couch on Seeley Street. I was three-years-old. I loved jumping on that couch! It was a way for me to draw my attention to somewhere other than the chaos, that was constant, in my home. It was a way for me to transcend the noise...bounce, bounce, bounce. My house was always loud. Screaming, yelling, fighting; there were too many of us. Nine people living on the first floor of a frame, converted store-front, two-flat house. The yelling, turned screaming, became my normal and I split from the crescendo.
I often shut the door dividing the kitchen (where the adults congregated) and the dining room/living room combo. "Please, please, be quite!" That door would provide a respite from the auditory violation to my sensitive nature on many levels. I also "shut the door" on my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, my perspectives. Complete shut-down! "Stop being so emotional!" "You're too damn sensitive!" I heard: "Stop being...ANYTHING!" And so I did, because I was a good girl, and I really was. I turned to a life of self-deprecation, self-loathing, and self-destruction. All in the hope of getting a shred of approval from 5 siblings (all older than me), which had each become a parental figure. But...I didn't know it.
It has taken me 54 years to resurrect and embrace my sensitivities. But, I monitor their extremes. I see them for what they are (and sometimes they are instincts run a muck). Regardless, they are my nature, my essence. I am free when I embrace me! And I am free of looking outside of myself for approval--I'm just fine! I never learned to modulate my emotions. I had no role model(s) to emulate, or that would demonstrate and acknowledge that "feelings" are/were okay.Today my feelings/emotions/instincts, offer me a vantage point that I believe few acknowledge in themselves. I have a "knowing" about people, places, things, situations. And they all kicked the very moment I landed on that cot at St. Anthony's hospital on February 21, 1960 at 10:33 am.
My life journey has not always been easy, but today I focus on the blessings. I have to! The difficulties have brought me joy, they have made me stronger, they have made me more compassionate--once I got through them. Today,
I protect my precious emotional space with a choice of when to open my inner door and I choose when I want to let in the noise.
I have been sober for 2 years now. Twenty years in therapy did not provide the catapult of spiritual and emotional growth that I have experienced these last 2 years in A.A. For now, just for today, I am no longer breach and too sensitive. I am actually pretty phenomenal!. Because I have seen the boogie man--many times. And I have been blessed that I have.
You are here! Well, you have always been here. But now you are being heard. Welcome, my beautiful friend. Your voice is important and strong and valuable. And I am honored to be part of your life and to get to hear your story. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI love you Julia! Thank YOU for showing up and being in my life my Pisces sister! xoxoox
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